Now what??

I graduated from college today.  It was all very surreal.  There was the early morning bustle to get the last of my things packed into the car, the class picture before the ceremony, the friendly teasing about the abnormally large amount of honor cords strung around my neck.  Then the pomp and circumstance...caps, gowns, regalia and speeches.  Baking in the sun under my fashion-backwards cap and gown, listening to the speakers and just waiting for my big moment.  Finally it was my turn, and I walked across the stage, hoping with all my might that I wouldn't trip while on stage, rehearsing in my head all of the instructions we'd been given - handshake low, diploma hand high, tassel goes from right to left, stop for the photographer.  I barely even heard the Provost speaking, but I'm pretty sure she got all of my information right.  After we filed out, I was bombarded by friends, went to lunch, strapped my bike to my car, and headed home.  And that's that.

The hardest part was the goodbyes.  So many of my dear friends were there today.  Caroline, who taught me to love life and introduced me to a whole new world - and even a bit of French while she was at it, too!  The thought of her wonderful little self being on the other side of the world from me almost breaks my heart.  Kerrie and Barry Touchstone, who opened their home to me every week this semester, and their hearts to me every day.  William Souder, my old boss who would and still will do almost anything for me.  The Leslies, who welcomed me into their lives like a daughter, and Rachel, who has become like a sister to me.  David Price, who never ceases to bring entertainment and laughter wherever he goes.  So many more people came to show their support for me - people that I love dearly, and will miss sorely.  The pain of so many goodbyes in one day almost breaks my heart in two.

And so now I'm here, wondering "what next?"  The wreckage of the past fours years of my life lies scattered around my room in boxes, bags, and suitcases.  The memory of my empty dorm room haunts me.  And the thought that it will likely be years, if ever, before I see these wonderful people, visit these wonderful places, see this wonderful campus again, is excruciating.  I'm in a fog, a daze.  I don't quite know how to move on, what I'm supposed to do now that this stage of my life has ended.  I do know, however, that "my God will meet all of my needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).  But I think for now, that what I need is sleep.  That seems to be the only way to stop the tears.  Until tomorrow....

Spiritual blessings

Ephesians 1:3 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."  When I look at my life, I am overwhelmed by the amount of physical blessings that I have.  I have an incredible life - family, friends, opportunities, and passion.  And then I think to myself...God's word says that this life is but a vapor (James 4:14).  So I can't help but wonder....if this physical life is so fleeting and ultimately insignificant in the grand scheme of things, then how much greater are His spiritual blessings that His physical ones!  That thought staggers my imagination.  Sometimes I can't imagine life getting any better.  But then I come to my senses and realize just how big, how unfathomable, how all-powerful God truly is.

I'm a C.S. Lewis nut, and I think that his series The Chronicles of Narnia illustrates this point very well.  Throughout the entire first seven books, the characters experience incredible adventures in some of the most amazing, beautiful places you could ever even conceive of, in a land called Narnia.  But then (spoiler warning!) in the last book the main characters die, and they go back to Narnia - but this time it's the REAL Narnia.  The colors are so much more vibrant, the scents so much sweeter, the sounds so much more beautiful than they were before.  C.S. Lewis was a strong Christian, and there are many who say that his representation of Narnia vs. the "real" Narnia is an illustration of earth and heaven.  So when you get a moment, stop and think.  Make a list of all of the physical blessings that God has so graciously given you.  And then praise Him all the more for the spiritual ones, which are so much more incredible than what we can see.

If He is for me, who can be against me?

My heart is overflowing right now with God's goodness.  Two nights ago I had dinner with some very dear friends, Kerrie and Barry touchstone.  She was the one who had led the Bible study on David that I went to this semester, and I grew very close to her over the course of these last few months.  Then today, I went to the airport and picked up my best friend Rachel, and spent the afternoon with her.  Then, in the evening, I had dinner and played games and watched a movie and just overall had a very grand time with Rachel and two other dear friends from college, Caroline and Emily.

As I sat this morning pondering God's goodness and praising Him for His steadfast mercy, I stumbled upon Psalm 91, which really hit home for me.  There are a few verses in particular that I want to point out.  "He who dwells in the shadow of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust" (vs 1-2).  "He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday" (vs 4-5).  "If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the LORD, who is my Refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.  For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways" (vs 9-11). 

Oh, what power does the word of the Lord have!!  These verses were such a comfort to me this morning.  I am still sad about leaving Berry.  I am still nervous about the future.  I will still miss my life here in Rome, and the dear, dear friends that I have made.  But through the companionship that I enjoyed these past few days, and the truth that I read in His word this morning, God is really showing me that He truly DOES have my life in His hands...and that He truly DOES care about me more than I could ever imagine.  He has given me the most amazing friends I could ever ask for, a rock-solid family, opportunities that most people could only dream of getting, and the courage (although sometimes I may call it stupidity :]) to take advantage of those opportunities.  He is in control.  He will never let me down.  I was really reminded this morning that everything truly IS going to be ok.  Through the thick and the thin, He has been there and He will be there.  My God is so great....if He is for me, who can be against me???

Finish the race strong

In Acts 21, Paul bids farewell to the church in Ephesus.  Verses 22, 24 say, "and now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there...however, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."  Verse 22 is me right now.  I'm going to a faraway place, not having a clue as to what will happen to me there.  It's scary, overwhelming, and intimidating.

But then I go on to read verse 24.  Although I cannot say that verse 24 is exactly who I am, it IS who I want to be.  God has called us to spread His word into every corner of the earth - for me, that seems to have been a quite literal commandment.  I want nothing more than, when I die and go to meet my Maker, to be greeted with the words "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

We must remember that we are constantly in a battle.  Satan is not neutral, and neither should we be.  As I'm ending this chapter of my life and embarking on a new one, I cannot forget that.  But God also doesn't expect us to do it by ourselves.  He is there for us - even to the end of the age.  I pray that I remember that.  I pray that I finish my race strong. 

The constancy of God's love

After tossing and turning all night, I finally woke up for good this morning at 5:00 am.  The finality of today was really weighing heavy on me.  Today is my absolute last day of undergrad.  Sure, I don't graduate until Saturday, but my last final is this morning; after that, all I have to do is wait.  I've had an agonizing mental countdown going on for the past several weeks.  Sometimes I wanted the end to come; most often I did not.  It's been especially difficult these past few weeks and days, as I've grown very close to some people here on campus and at my church, and seen how this wonderful campus comes together and helps each other out in our times of need.  But every day, I could console myself with the fact that it wasn't quite over; I still had a few days left!  But today, I can't do that.  This is the end.  I came across a poem written by Sarah Arthur about her senior year in college that I thought would fit the mood perfectly.  I have typed it out below:

Suddenly there are only a few more days of this school year

Less than a week within this community that I've grown to love

I won't miss the schedules, or the stress of deadlines

But I will miss the playfulness of pretending to be grown-ups, 

The sisterhood of silliness

Now I AM grown up.

I'm twenty-one and I march down the sidewalk thinking,

"I'm twenty-one and I'm awake,

And all this grown up life is no longer a game.

Back when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned like a child

But now that I'm a grown up....I'm scared.

My stomach has been roiling all morning.  Not necessarily because of fear of the future - although Korea DOES scare, I get the feeling that the real fear will not come until later - but more so dread of the finality of the present.  But it's interesting to me that the verse Sarah Arthur quotes in her poem in the last two lines is from 1 Corinthians 13 - the "love chapter."  I am growing up and life is changing; but the one constant I can rest in in God's love.  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails (vs. 7-8).  What a great promise!  No matter what I'm going through, no matter how scary the future looks or how bright the past looks, He will always love me.  That's awesome :).  Alright, I'm off now to end my undergraduate career...**deep breath**

Beginnings and endings

The month of May heralds many beginnings, and many endings as well.  It it the messenger that brings news of both the start of a new life, and the death of an old one.  I am on the verge of starting a brand-new life in Korea - but I am also leaving my home here in Rome.  Yesterday at church they prayed over me in Sunday School, and then gave me a farewell gift during the service.  And I couldn't stop crying.  A friend of mine assured me that it is ok to cry - although I have good things coming in my life, this is also a season of mourning.  I am leaving these people and places that I've grown to know and love, possibly forever, and definitely for a very long time.  The destruction of my campus kind of accentuates the finality of my departure from Berry - the campus where I've lived, worked, and laughed for the last 4 years of my life will never be the same again, and neither will my life.  It's very hard to swallow, very hard to accept that it's time to move on.  I love Berry - I love the classes, the students, the professors, the beauty, the clubs, my job, the sense of community...I love everything about Berry.  I feel the same way about my church, Cornerstone.  Seeing how the campus has pulled together these last few days in our time of need has only increased my love for it.  Quite frankly, I...don't...want...to...leave.  Equally frankly, nor do I want to go to Korea.  I know that that's where I'm meant to go, and I am going...but I don't want to.  The fear of the unknown is crippling me.

So reading in the thirteenth chapter of Hebrews today was a welcome relief.  Verses 5-6 say, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.  So we say with confidence, the LORD is my helper; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?"  And a bit later, in verse 8, it assures me that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  Whew!  What power the word of the LORD has!!  I haven't a clue what my future holds.  I am very certain that I will miss my past.  But I can rest in the knowledge that the same God who orchestrated my past also holds my future in His hands.  I may not know what will happen to me, but I know that God loves me and has good things planned for me.

God is bigger

Psalm 104 is a beautiful Psalm.  The entire Psalm is dedicated to singing the Lord's praises, and showing how He takes care of what is His.  I know I've been harping on this theme for several days now, but this is my life right now, so you'll have to excuse me :).

He makes springs pour from the mountains, giving water to all the beasts of the field (vs. 11).  He gives homes to the birds of the air (vs. 12).  He feeds both men and cattle (vs. 14, 17).  He gives "wine that gladdens the heart, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart" (vs. 15).  He is the Provider for all things living (vs. 27-30).

What a wonderful comfort!  Throughout everything, I can know that my Jehovah Jireh will provide.  He cares for us, and will never let us go.  The Psalmist ends the chapter with these words: "I will sing praise to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to God as long as I live.  May my meditation be pleasing to Him, as I rejoice in the LORD" (vs. 33-34).  David had his fair share of hardships.  What a comfort to know that even when hard times come, God is big enough that we can praise Him anyway.  God is bigger than the troubles, no matter what they are.